MAPL student Lauren Rogan is an attorney, former Congressional counsel, Army wife, and mother to a four-year-old daughter.
In Week 4 of “Writing to Find Your Voice,” students write a short speech they could realistically give in front of a local audience within a short timeframe. Some of their work, however, comes out timeless—like this speech by Lauren Rogan, who describes herself as “an attorney, former Congressional counsel, Army wife, and mother to a four-year-old little girl.”
Good morning and thank you all for coming today. Not all that long ago, I was where many of you find yourselves right now. I was pretty much the standard-issue Type-A achiever; stable home life, loving parents, good friends, good grades…great grades…not too long from now, on your timelines, I had a college degree, a law degree, a functional knowledge of a couple different languages, a gut-wrenching amount of student debt, and a whole world of opportunity ahead of me. It’s coming.
But what lay behind me, at the point I started my professional life, is the reason I am here with you today. To put it plainly: I endured an abusive relationship and I ultimately found myself with a desperate and deadly male stalker. Now, I can tell you what I thought about this kind of situation earlier in life—these things don’t happen to strong, independent, educated women with high standards and happy families. And, I’m here to tell you today—if you entertain any such thoughts—you’re wrong.
Let’s do the fast-math part of the presentation: Did you know that nearly 20 percent of students in Philadelphia have been hurt by a boyfriend or girlfriend in the past year?1 That’s twice the national average. About twenty percent of Pennsylvania women will experience stalking in their lifetime. That’s one in five. Meanwhile, one in three women have experienced some form of physical violence in a relationship. Now, I’m not going to ask you to look to your left and right, but statistically—that’s accurate. One in three.
I used to hear these statistics; sometimes my college’s Student Services Office, or the Greek life organizations, would hold some stand-down “partner abuse” assembly. They’d ply me and my friends to attend with an offer of extra-credit in a humanities class, or more often than not, free food. We’d listen long enough to get the grade, or the pizza, and we’d leave with a generally dismissive feeling that these people being abused, these “victims” that the moderator talked about …they were not like us. They were damaged…dependent. They lacked self-esteem. Easy prey.
Now I can speak to you from experience. That’s not where all of these “abused” people start out, but it is a pretty accurate portrayal of where they end up. Abuse isn’t always obvious. It can be a very, very long con. And once you are unknowingly snared, that abuser will take away your armor, your inner-structure of steel and strength. He will disassemble you like a chop shop operator, piece by piece, until you don’t recognize who you are or where you are going. It is nothing short of psychological warfare, and no matter how self-assured, competent, confident, or bullet-proof you think you are… you’re not. It can happen.
It comes in waves, and over time. First, charismatic adoration…then monopolization and isolation… then jealousy and meanness…then control of your time, control of your thoughts,…guilt…then threats, then….I don’t know. Because I got out.
There but for the grace of God go I.
Do you know what actually saved me? A friend.
I don’t mean a friend came and got me away from that maniac. I don’t mean a friend removed me from the dangerous situation. It doesn’t work like that. I mean that I had a friendship that shined so brightly, it was impervious to mind-control.
The late-stage relationship-abuse situation feels like drowning in brackish water on an overcast day. Everything is grey, up and down, side to side. But that friend…that friend was like the North Star shining on a clear winter night. Unassailable. His twisted verbal attack against that friend, intended to sever the bonds and tighten his snare—that was the thing that broke the chain.
My friend was available, but not demanding. She was supportive, but not condescending. And her very existence, even when she had been sidelined and hidden from view in my life…[I’d refer you back to that isolation phase that I mentioned before]…it made all the difference. When he went after her, painting her a “bad guy”…well, that made no sense. It was like the Adrenaline shot to the heart; that singular clarity pulled me out of the haze and, ultimately, out of his reach.
So we arrive at the point of this talk. I’m here to tell you to be that friend. And to have that friend.
These statistics in Philadelphia, in Pennsylvania, and in the nation are horrifying. They are tragic and they are nauseating. I definitely don’t have the answers. But I have my experience, and I’m telling you to hold onto your North Stars, and to shine that light for others. Because that can be the thing that makes all the difference in the world.
Seventy-two percent of murder suicides involve an intimate partner; almost 95 percent of those victims are female.
He’s believed to be dead.
I’m not.
And I’m not 100% certain that that would be true if I didn’t have that shining star in my life when I needed her. You may have been a part of these statistics already, you may be a part right now as I speak; maybe in the future. Be careful with your heart. Keep some absolute truth to navigate your way…have something unassailable to hold onto. If you find yourself in trouble, reach out to your counselors, to your family, to each other, or call the National Domestic Violence Hotline.
Partner abuse can happen, it does happen…to the educated, the uneducated, the rich, the poor, the young, and the old…the Type-A lifelong achievers….but it doesn’t have to be how your story ends.
I closed that book. I went on to law school, to work as an attorney, a little time in the prosecutor’s office…a Congressional staffer, a badass Soldiers’ advocate for the U.S. Army; I’m a wife, a mom, and a professional, and I have much more to come.
I hope all of you will, too.
