I thought my first speech went well. Although I wish I had practiced more and put more time into it, I got it done, and that makes me happy. It’s not the talking that I find hard, it’s the not sounding stupid. I can talk forever about something, especially when I know a lot about it, I think it’s just the idea that I ‘have’ to do it that makes me nervous. However (warning: a bit of TMI), all my life I have struggled with this. I can laugh now, but in reality, I know that it’s a horrible thing to do. Growing up, my mother was so supportive and calm and always supported me. She always made me know that if I tried my best, she would be happy and proud of me. My mother is an angel. If I failed out of college but know that I tried my hardest, she would still be proud. However, my mental illness consumed me and skewed my understanding of every interaction I had. In my head, I was so nervous that if I wasn’t a straight A student, a good kid, who goes far in life, that I would have failed my mother. I know that this couldn’t be further from the truth, but it’s just how my mind works. I still struggle with realizing when people truly want me to do my best, and succeed at being me. I shared this because this is similar to my relationship with this class, and Professor Hunt thus far. Professor Hunt has made it very clear that he just wants us to do our best, and that he won’t judge us for it, but only if he knows we tried. Because this is so different from my prior class experiences, I feel like somehow I still won’t be good enough. However, this is just like my relationship with my mother, where I have to realize that my best is enough. And I will be successful in this class, but also in life, if I try my hardest. I just need to stop underestimating myself.
Easier said than done, but I’m working on it.